Billie Josiah
(1992-2006)
Memorial website in the memory of your loved one

 

20 Years Old

Another birthday without you.

Always in our hearts but I wish you were in my arms.

Our Billie, our girl.

We love you darling, forever.

I Feel As Though My Heart Must Stop With Pain - Nicholas Gordon

I feel as though my heart must stop with pain.
I miss you so, the darkness will not pale.
My darling child, come to me again.
I know you cannot come, and still I strain
To put my arms around you through the veil.

I feel as though my heart must stop with pain.
Other lives and loves call me in vain.
I try to turn away from you and fail.
My darling child, come to me again.

You are my unendurable refrain.
Back and back I hurry to impale
My heart on you, to stop my heart with pain.
Yet nothing that I do undoes the plain
Brutal fact which always must prevail.

Ah, my darling, come to me again!
You are both my sunshine and my rain,
My dearest joy, my anguish, and my grail.
I feel as though my heart must stop with pain.
My darling child, come to me again.

Dont forget to sign up to give blood and bone marrow

see the links below the next poem.

My Butterfly by Robert Frost
Thine emulous fond flowers are dead, too,
And the daft sun-assaulter, he
That frightened thee so oft, is fled or dead:
Save only me
(Nor is it sad to thee!)
Save only me
There is none left to mourn thee in the fields.

The gray grass is scarce dappled with the snow;
Its two banks have not shut upon the river;
But it is long ago--
It seems forever--
Since first I saw thee glance,
WIth all thy dazzling other ones,
In airy dalliance,
Precipitate in love,
Tossed, tangled, whirled and whirled above,
Like a linp rose-wreath in a fairy dance.

When that was, the soft mist
Of my regret hung not on all the land,
And I was glad for thee,
And glad for me, I wist.

Thou didst not know, who tottered, wandering on high,
That fate had made thee for the pleasure of the wind,
With those great careless wings,
Nor yet did I.

And there were other things:
It seemed God let thee flutter from his gentle clasp:
Then fearful he had let thee win
Too far beyond him to be gathered in,
Santched thee, o'ereager, with ungentle gasp.

Ah! I remember me
How once conspiracy was rife
Against my life--
The languor of it and the dreaming fond;
Surging, the grasses dizzied me of thought,
The breeze three odors brought,
And a gem-flower waved in a wand!

Then when I was distraught
And could not speak,
Sidelong, full on my cheek,
What should that reckless zephyr fling
But the wild touch of thy dye-dusty wing!

I found that wing broken today!
For thou art dead, I said,
And the strang birds say.
I found it with the withered leaves
Under the eaves.

We cant bring our darling girl back but we CAN help other children with cancer.

Sign up THIS WEEK to give blood and bone marrow.

DO IT FOR OUR BILLIE.

www.blood.co.uk

www.nhsbt.nhs.uk/bonemarrow/

 Having you sign up to donate would mean more to us than just about anything.

Thank you

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Here is a beautiful poem for my girl. I love you Billie. You are MYGIRL forever baby.

Footprints In the Snow:

We fall to the earth like leaves
Lives as brief as footprints in snow
No words express the grief we feel
I feel I cannot let her go.
For she is everywhere.
Walking on the windswept beach
Talking in the sunlit square.
Next to me in the car
I see her sitting there.
At night she dreams me
and in the morning the sun does not rise.
My life is as thin as the wind
And I am done with counting stars.
She is gone, she is gone.
I am her sad music, and I play on, and on, and on.
(Roger McGough













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PHOTOS
If you have photos you want to put on the site I am very happy for you to do so. Just submit them via this site and they come to me for approval and then I put them on. Dont worry if they dont go on right away, it doesnt mean they havent got to me.  I would love to see your piccies and graphics xx










THE RECALL
THE night was dark when she went away, and they slept
.

The night is dark now, and I call for her, "Come back, my darling; the world is asleep; and no one would know, if you came for a moment while stars are gazing at stars."



She went away when the trees were in bud and the spring was young.

Now the flowers are in high bloom and I call, "Come back, my darling. The children gather and scatter flowers in reckless sport. And if you come and take one little blossom no one will miss it."



Those that used to play are playing still, so spendthrift is life.

I listen to their chatter and call, "Come back, my darling, for mother's heart is full to the brim with love, and if you come
to snatch only one little kiss from her no one will grudge it."


Rabindranth Tagore




















































This is for Billie.  Billie was the most amazing child and was loved by everyone who met her.  She was very ill for the last two years of her life and bore this with bravery and dignity.  When she knew she was going to die she was incredible and an inspiration to all.  She wanted to be a lawyer and a dancer and a model and she was certainly beautiful and clever and talented enough to be all these and more.  I miss you so much my darling so much it hurts.  But I know you wanted me and dad and the boys to get on with things.  I just need more time darling.

Billie was born on 20th January 1991 at the Whittington Hospital in North London. She was a 'Gulf War Baby'.  Her dad having come back from the war 9mths previously!  She gave me a hard time but smiled as soon as she was born.I could not take my eyes off her and would not let go of her crib even when I was asleep! I could not belive that a creature so beautiful could have come from me (and her daddy of course!). She was the most beautiful baby with dark skin, wavy black hair and bright,bright blue eyes. I could not walk down the street without people stopping me to comment on her beauty. She was also a very easy baby and would eat and drink anything you gave her, sleep through the night and loved going shopping. Her auntie Caroline bought her a Peter Rabbit from John Lewis on one of her first shopping trips. She kept this all her life but we lost it at hospital one day and I think it went with the laundry. I wish so much I had that now.  Billie was an adorable toddler and won the prettist girl in Holloway competition in James Selby! She looked very different then with a big chubby face and mad curly hair. Not at all the elegant young lady she became. She was a tomboy and when she was three decided she would be a boy. She would not have it any other way and would not be called her, she or girl and you could NOT make a single mistake or she would catch you out. I did ask her if she was a boy where her willy was but she did not think this important and said she would grow one later. She ruined all my expensive lipsticks but really never did anything totally outrageous. We did have a chocolate cake burgalar once. Dad was alseep and Id gone to work. She came running in to wake dad up and said 'oh daddy we have had a burgerlar and he has stolen all the chocolate cake from the fridge' this may have fooled Aubrey but Billie was covered in chocolate so even he guessed he terrible truth. We also had to put a lock on the kitchen door because she kept sneaking in and eating all the stock cubes. I am sure she thought they were sweeties and if she kept trying they would eventually taste nice. I will tell you more soon. I think Billie will be giving me 'that look' right now for telling you all this. But I want everyone to know that Billie was a real person, a special girl who will never be forgotten and made such a difference to those who knew her.x

Billie's brother, Harley, was born when she was almost 2 years old. She really wasnt that intersted in him. She was the most laid back child I've ever known. She took more interest once he started moving about and from that moment on they fought like cat and dog, often actually drawing blood. It didnt help that they had to share a room. Harley once emptied the entire contents of their room out of the window and we had to go around the neighbours asking for our stuff back. Thanks Harley! Billie went to the Butterfly Nursery N19. Its shut now but she loved it there. We used to walk there in the mornings and she would do sums with me. She was incredibly bright and could talk and talk. I told her that snakes lived in the telephone junction box on the corner of Carleton road and she belived me for years! She went to Tuffnel Park school and made lots of friends. Hannah and Kirsten were her friends all her life. We moved to Walthamstow when she was 10 and she really began to blossom. The first girl she met was Sophie who was showing off her apendectomy scar at the time. Sophie remained Billie's friend for the rest of her life.

Billie was very happy at Winns Primary and Aveling Park School. She loved dance and was beginning to go out more with her friends (tho I wasnt very good at letting her go!) when she began to feel unwell. She had terrible pains in her legs and back, headaches and was very tired. We thought she had a virus but after two weeks I took her to the GP. A blood test showed abnormalities and I was terrified they were going to tell me she had Leukiemia then. But they couldnt find anything and let us go. This relief was not to last because on 23rd August 2004 we had to go to Whipps Cross where they told us our precious girl had this wicked disease.  Billie was so brave. There is no point using loads of words to discribe how she behaved it makes no difference. She was just so brave. We went to the Middlesex Hospital the next day where her diagnosis was confirmed on the 24th August 2004. That was our wedding anniversary.

Billie then started almost two years of treatment. This was the hardest time of my life and I cannot imagine how our Billie got through it the way she did. She went through hell. She was so ill, so many times. To discribe this in detail on this site would be far too upsetting for those who loved her.  Just know that all children who go through this treatment deserve your love, respect and absolute admiration. They are all amazing.



























 

Click here to see Billie Josiah's
Family Tree
Tributes and Condolences
Beautiful Billie   / Annabelle Wright (Old friend )
Always in my thoughts, beautiful Billie. Lovely, beautiful, gorgeous Billie. My daughter has wonderful curly hair, just like you. Different in colour but beautiful all the same. I wish I knew how to manage it better! Miss you lots always ...  Continue >>
Still thinking of you   / Kirstie Ali (Primary school friend )
Thinking of you and all our memory's hope your somewhere your happy will always have you And your family in my thoughts Love always beautiful angel xxx
Happy Birthday you x   / Susan And Ian (Friend)
Will light a candle tonight and share stories of you with your little namesakes. They never met you but they will know you through us. BILLIE, BILLIE, BILLIE- loved so much, never forgotton xxx
Yet another year...   / Kirsten Mckeen (Friend)
Yet another year has passed and I miss you a much as the first. I am thinking of you today and always and send my love to your beautiful family. Wish you were with us.... Ill be lighting lanterns for you tonight. Missing you always! Your faithful...  Continue >>
Beautiful, brave girl.   / Vin Daniels
Thinking about you today. Let many, many beautiful memories of you come with ease to your mum's mind today. Wishing Becki strength on this exceedingly precious day. X
21 Today and forever missed!  / Kirsten Mckeen (Friend)    Read >>
Sorry I cant change your site today.  / Mum     Read >>
Missing you!  / Kirsten McKeen (Friend)    Read >>
6 Years Already  / Kirsten McKeen (Friend)    Read >>
Beautiful soul  / Francesca Richardson (Friend)    Read >>
missing you  / Ayesha Allen (friend)    Read >>
Thinking of you  / Funda Sibels Mummy     Read >>
Your girl  / Nicola Ethan's Mummy Hanley (Friend of her mummy's )    Read >>
Missing You  / Kirsten McKeen (Friend)    Read >>
My girl  / Mum (Mum)    Read >>
More tributes and condolences...
Click here to pay tribute or offer your condolences
Her legacy
What Has Billie Left Behind?  
When Billie died she left us broken hearted.  But in her short life she touched so many people.  Her funeral was testament to this.  It was packed with people young and old from all walks of life, colours and creeds.  To meet Billie was to love her.  She had an aura around her that drew people to her.  When she was a baby people would stop me in the street to tell me how beautiful she was.  She WAS beautiful but it was a beauty that came from within as well as her stunning blue eyes, dark skin and wonderful smile, she was kind, thoughtful and forever dignified.

She did not want to be forgotten.  Write what you remember about our Billie.

Please remember that there are many, many children who need your help.  Become a blood donor, platlet donor and bone marrow donor.  There are no excuses.  If it hurts or you are scared of needles - so what!  Billie endured two years of pain and needles and chemicals and medicines and operations and scans and stuff you would not believe.  She did it all! Not once did she say 'I WONT!'  how many of you can say that about something you dont want to do?

When she knew she was going to die she wanted to come home and she had six weeks with us.  She never complained she just wanted to have fun and she did!  The last week was very hard and as she drifted she reached out her hands and told me she was catching butterflies.  Billie was a butterfly, delicate, beautiful, giving pleasure to all who saw her and her life was far to short.  Our butterfly girl - Billie Jordon Josiah.
 
Billie's Photo Album
Billie's new brother Asher Marley William
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